Chancellor's Choice

The Chancellor's Dilemma
Said The Chancellor of the Exchequer, to a trusted aide one day,
"Here's a handy thought I've had, to make things go our way -
We need to rob and fleece the rich, give their money to the poor
So a corpulent economist is what we're looking for.
A fat and happy fellow who is certain to impress
The voters who are taken in by what seems like success.
"If we follow his advice," they'll think "we'll be like him - a toff!
He knows the way to affluence - we'll all be better off!"
They'll not complain nor remonstrate one second I will bet
If they think they can be like him and what they want they'll get!
He'll be the goose that lays for us the eggs of golden hue -
Let's get to work, let's find him quick, he'll know just what to do -
They'll think our government is great, the best thing since sliced bread!"
The Aide replied, "The power, sir, has gone straight to your head -
That's not the way to get us out of this very deep recession
Economists don't lay gold eggs, what gave you that impression?
We don't need an economist, we need a solid anchor
Someone like my friend Sir Fred, who used to be a banker,
Just put your money in his hands he'll know just what to do
He handles cash much better than me and also you!"
"Oh really," said the Chancellor, "and how does he achieve it?"
"He's got this fool proof method, sir, I doubt if you'll believe it -
He flips a coin up in the air, a well-known banker's ruse -
And if it comes up heads he wins, if it comes up tails you lose!"

Gardening

An Incredible Gardener…
Jim was a gardener incredible
With anything green, brown and edible
He knew what was brewing
Knew what he was doing
With seeds, pods and bulbs that were beddable.
By some clever means
And by fiddling their genes
With a switch of their cellular systems
He induced brand new features
Into vegetable creatures
- Hang on just a mo’ and I’ll list ‘em.
There were turnips with eyes
Of an overweight size
And carrots with ears made for listening
And a leek that would speak
Three times every week
And a cabbage that couldn’t stop whistling.
Soon his name achieved fame
And to world-wide acclaim
His peers could do nothing but gape
For against all the Regs
All his plants sprouted legs
And he soon had a marrow escape.

Colonel Blippington

Back again - where have I been? Nowhere - just resting I suppose -


Colonel Blippington

Colonel Blippington Hyphen Lefarge
Late out of India, Ex of the Raj,
Nursing his dislike and incredible ire
For any enemy of the British Empire,
And being a most cunning weaver of plots,
A man, who was used to calling the shots,
Awaited his moment, laid well his scheme
To strike against all who spoke ill of the Queen.
He planned for all traitors a terrible fate
All the tortures of hell to encapsulate -
He invited them out, as his guest they would dine.
He plied them with caviar, food and fine wine
And they willingly went to his well-chosen venue
Not knowing strychnine would be on their menu.

The Actor

With a flourish of my cloak
I tell a funny joke –
I may appear dishevelled
But with talent I’m bedevilled -
For though I seem a clown,
I’m an Actor of renown -
Every role that I discharge
Is with genius - writ large.
I can play Shakespeare or Pinter
An Admiral or Printer,
A Pauper, King or Prince
Gay Courtiers who mince
And every character I’m sold on
Wins awards - with lots of gold on.

Gladioli and slugs

I had some gladioli that grew up from the sod
Horticulturally logical, I’d say.
Yes they grew up from the soil
And I’m glad I didn’t toil
Cos the slugs came up and gobbled them away!

Gravity

Gravity's a useful thing
It keeps us on the ground
But our pants need belts and braces
To stop them falling down.

Little Miss Muffett

There was a young lady named Muffett
Whose life was so tough she’d to rough it
When a spider came by
She was making a pie
So she used that poor spider to stuff it