The tale of old Mrs Shine

SHINE ON MRS SHINE...


I went to a boot sale the other day, you know the sort of thing,
Took all me bits and me bobs to sell and me 'alf used balls of string
I was settlin' in
Wiv me bottle of gin
When along came Mrs Shine -
Of all the stalls in all the world she 'ad to be next to mine!

We've all met Mrs Shine before, or somebody just the same,
She's got all the evils of this world and somebody else is to blame,
She bent my ear from 'ere to 'ere
I thought I'd committed a crime -
Of all the stalls in all the world she 'ad to be next to mine!

"It's me piles is givin' me gyp today", that's how she started orf
"And I nearly died the other day, on account of me smoker's corf.
And me very close veins
Is givin' me pains
From me ankles right up to me spine -"
She bent an' rattled 'er wooden leg and clicked 'er metal ‘ips
'Er voice it whistled and wheezed a bit on account of 'er plastic lips -
So to get some relief
She took out 'er teeth
And washed 'em in 'ome-made wine -
Of all the stalls in all the world, she 'ad to be next to mine!

"My daughter is worser than me" she said, "She's never been very well
She went with a bloke and then 'ad a stroke and 'er body began to swell
Then some of 'er bits
Fell off and said quits
She nearly passed over the line -"
She combed and permed 'er auburn wig, her daughter was introduced
And they sat and they moaned and complained all day and I wasn't very amused
When they 'anded out parts
Amputated at Barts
And preserved in a lager and lime -
Of all the stalls in all the world they 'ad to be next to mine!

Then all of a sudden she 'ad a fit and 'er daughter looked on with pride
You wouldn't 'ave thought she would act like that, when 'er mother 'ad just gorn an' died
But she then 'ad the gall
To stay by 'er stall
Still floggin’ 'er latest line -
"My mother" said she, "Was quite rightly proud, of the fings wot was wrong with 'er
And she knew in 'er way there would come a day, something fatal was bound to occur -
'My daughter,' said she
'Never falter' said she,
'Stay open till closing time -'

An' so she went on, working round 'er late mum, with 'er body there lying in state
An' the punters with stares went on buying 'er wares at a madly exorbitant rate
Whilst me at my stall
I sold nothing at all -
All thanks to the late Mrs Shine! -
Of all the stalls in all the world - did she 'ave to be next to mine?